The Barksdales Retire
Money, marriage, and why you should never Google retirement.
Betty Barksdale was ready to retire.
Dudley was ready to create a spreadsheet explaining why they couldn’t.
After thirty-five years of work, raising children and saving whatever they could, the Barksdales had finally reached the moment everyone spends decades preparing for.
They had made one small mistake.
They assumed retirement came with instructions.
Meet the Barksdales
Dudley and Betty are trying to build a retirement that works on paper and still resembles a life they would willingly participate in.
Dudley believes most problems can be solved with research, a spreadsheet and several unnecessary assumptions.
Betty believes dinner should not require scenario modeling.
Their children, Doug and Barb, have learned to be suspicious whenever Dudley says, “I have a quick question.”
Their parents are getting older. The house keeps requesting money. Borris has opinions about everything. Jingo remains loyal to Betty, which suggests excellent judgment.
Together, they are learning that retirement is not one decision. It is a long series of conversations about money, marriage, family, purpose and whether they already have mustard.
They do.
They have four.
Three Questions
The Internet had several thousand answers on how to retire.
Dudley had three simple questions:
What do we have?
What will it cost to support for the life we want?
How long will it last?
Then he built a complicated financial model to make the questions difficult again.
The answers involved savings, Social Security, healthcare, taxes, advisors, Monte Carlo simulations and enough time online for ChatGPT to become concerned about him.
Eventually, Dudley discovered that the most important part of the second question was not the spending. It was the life they wanted.
Betty had been trying to explain this from the beginning.
A Compulsive’s Guide to Retirement
The stories begin before retirement and continue into whatever this is.
Some are about money. Others are about grocery lists, pool pumps, aging parents, adult children, side hustles, giving, home projects and learning how to experience an ordinary Tuesday without optimizing it.
There are advisors, accountants, one-pagers and financial tools Dudley purchased because apparently retirement requires software.
There are also dinners with friends, coffee with Betty, time with family and occasional moments when nobody discusses withdrawal rates.
Each story follows the Barksdales as they learn something, adapt the plan and grow into the life they are building together.
Not perfectly.
Close enough.
This Is Not Financial Advice
Dudley is not a financial advisor.
This is important.
He is a retired technology and program-management executive who spent a career helping organizations solve complicated problems. Then he attempted to apply the same methods to his family’s retirement.
The family is recovering nicely.
The numbers, tools and lessons shared here describe one family’s experience. They are intended to help you ask better questions—not tell you what to do with your money.
This is a work of fiction for entertainment purposes. Nothing here is financial, legal, tax, or veterinary advice. Please consult an actual professional. Preferably one without a cat.
Come Along
Retirement is usually presented as a finish line. Save enough money. Leave work. Walk slowly down a beach while wearing an alarming amount of white linen.
The Barksdales are beginning to suspect retirement is something less photogenic and more interesting: a chance to decide how they want to spend their money, their time and whatever attention they have left.
There will be stories, comics and financial lessons learned largely through avoidable mistakes.
There will probably be another spreadsheet.